A picture is worth a thousand words, but videos.. well they're just better. After much anticipation, TUC staff promo videos have been leaked. Since they're out in the cyber-world already, we think it's best that we just be honest, take ownership, and show how amazing these videos are. So watch and be in awe as The Upper Cruster presents: your favourite TUC staff members.
Up first as always, is Editor-in-Chief Reginald Tort.
Next is the lovely Duchess Beatrice, in incredible widescreen beauty.
Writer Charles Charleston Fairweather.
And of course our very own Stone Chambers.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Mikhail Prokhorov- TUC's Man of the Season.
The Upper Cruster salutes billionaire New Jersey Nets owner and Russian beanpole Mikhail Prokhorov. Not only is he reasonably wealthy at age 45, he’s a model (albeit big and tall) of how any good self-made billionaire should be.
The 6'8" Prokhorov joined fellow owner Jay Z and bought the generally unsuccessful team in 2009, investing a $250 million stake in the team and a planned new arena in Brooklyn. Why? We assume it had something to do with being bored of soccer. Enough about sports that actually make you perspire, Prokhorov’s lifestyle is much more interesting.
Prokhorov started building his fortune, currently valued at $13.4 billion, in the 1980’s, owning a company that manufactured stonewashed jeans. From there he made a move to decisively better stones: precious metals. Instead of pelting clothing with nickel, he mined it and soon his company Norilsk Nickel became the world's largest producer of nickel and palladium. But he didn’t stop there. He is also chairman of Russia’s largest gold producer, Polyus Gold, and started a private investment with over $17 billion in assets, ONEXIM Group.
Prokhorov also has a knack for buying out businesses when they’re desperate enough to take low offers, and surviving stock market crashes by selling off assets beforehand, making him enough of a cold-hearted businessman to have a chance of speaking with Stone Chambers.
What good is all the money if you can’t spend it? Prokhorov knows the value of a dollar is best spent on enjoying life. But I know from personal experience- that means being the man everyone loves to hate, especially if you constantly travel with the company of at least 8 models. So of course he was accusing of arranging prostitutes for guests at an innocent Christmas party in 2007, but let off after 4 days. It’s not his fault that so many women want to be around him!
Now people might laugh at the fact that he lost a $53 million deposit when he decided not to purchase the world's most expensive home in the French Riviera (valued at $530 million), or because he owns a $45 million yacht that he rarely uses because it makes him seasick. But come on. Maybe Prokhorov wants to keep $53 million, maybe he doesn’t- it’s up to him. And the yacht? Well I’m sure it looks nice.
Another testament to his proper lifestyle, here’s a video of Prokhorov fooling around on expensive jet skis all day, which he hired a production crew to film.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine’s Day gifts from TUC
So it’s Valentine’s Day and you’re still without a present. Never fear, for TUC has plenty of ideas that will wow your lover and take it from us- the expense will completely hide the fact you weren’t planning this since last February. Let’s start off with the ladies:
1. A Grande Luxe Facial at Spa Radiance, San Francisco
Warm up the private jet for a day trip down to California, where your woman can enjoy 3 solid hours of face pampering. But this is no ordinary procedure! While other skin care experts may rub things like natural extracts and cleansing products, these professionals slap on a caviar mask, use a diamond peel, and offer a non-surgical facelift. Top it all off with Omega 6, protein, LED light therapy, and warm mitts and booties. Only $750 for the whole deal!
2. Frozen Haute Chocolate, Serendipity 3, New York
High-end desserts may come and go, but this one holds the Guinness World Record for being the most expensive. Blended from 28 of the best cocoas from around the world, it’s blended with 5 grams of edible 23-karat gold and served in a goblet lined with the same.
But are you tired of throwing down money for a dessert only to be hungry an hour later? Well the pleasure continues with this dessert’s take-aways: an 18-karat gold and diamond bracelet, plus the golden spoon. When I say take-aways, I mean relaxed security. Only $25,000 to line your stomach with precious metals!
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| It's a little small- better get one for yourself too. |
For Him:
3. Chopard Super Ice Cube
Although this watch is a few years old, watches that look like ice cubes to an extent that makes it difficult to tell time never go out of style. This Swiss jeweler and watchmaker boasts over 100 years of experience, and they’re also the designer of the Golden Palm award from everyone’s favourite film festival, Cannes. Just over $1.2 million for 66 karats of diamonds. But watch out honey; if you buy him this watch, no one will be looking at you after!
4. iVIP Black iPhone App
This app caters only to “High Net Worth Individuals,” and if there’s one thing we love, it’s elitism. Spoil your man with this app to access exclusive goods and services such as private islands, helicopters, penthouses in New York and London, and racehorse ownership opportunities. Once he verifies his value, he’ll be able to show you a good time with all this vital information. The Black version is only $999.99, and if you get him the free Red version, it means you don’t love him.
For Both
5. Ty Warner Penthouse, Four Seasons, New York
Fly away for two to the closest decent hotel room around, at New York’s Four Seasons. It’s not the most expensive one, but you’ll get plenty of bang for your buck with nine rooms including a library with a grand piano, a hot tub overlooking Central Park, and a Zen room (yes of course it has a waterfall). What I really love here though is the 24/7 availability: full spa treatments, a personal trainer, and a butler are all included, and I assumed summoned by ringing some sort of tiny bells. Four Seasons knows exactly how to make me feel right at home.
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| TUC loves the high ceilings. |
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| And the bathroom with a view out, but too high for a view in. |
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| And a chandelier that could kill a man. |
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| Bring your appetite. This room has 3 apples. That's over 2 apples! |
Enjoy Valentine’s Day night for only $34,000. Then stay for the week.
Happy Valentine's Day from The Upper Cruster.
Welcome to The Upper Cruster
It’s a tough world for the modern aristocrat. There are numerous choices to face and important decisions to be made. For instance, how can you continue to use falcons for hunting purposes if they simply refuse to stop being endangered? How can you wisely invest the paltry $2 million in change left over from your yacht purchase? Which luxury sports car will look best parked in front of your summer mansion on the French Riviera?
The Upper Cruster is here to help you make these decisions and more. This guidebook to life is the perfect companion whether you’re on a joyride in your private jet over the Sandwich Isles, or quietly reading in the study with a tulip glass of 64-year-old Macallan scotch.
The Upper Cruster: if knowledge was money, this magazine would be worth almost as much as I am.
Yours in wealth and prosperity,
Reginald Tort
Editor-In-Chief
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